I use the word old loosely because I do not believe we will ever be fully healed or grown. I think our soul has a forever mission to always want to be and do better, to strive for the level of consciousness that only GOD, SOURCE, OR ENERGY can bring. We grow from the hardships we face in our lives, and we change due to the experience of the hardship and the lessons we have learned.
I am no expert, nor will I ever claim to be, but I can and will speak from experience, and share my experiences and knowledge with others in hopes the pain I have been through will help someone else with what they are going through.
Healthy giving in love language should look like giving to someone you love because you want to do something nice for them, not because you are trying to keep them happy, or feel obligated to.
While I would always give because I loved the person, sometimes, like when I was in a toxic relationship, it turned into me giving to make sure the other person was happy or to keep the relationship energy-neutral.
It wasn't until years later that I saw what I was sacrificing for myself to please everyone around me.
It wasn't easy when I gained clarity on how my over-giving to others was affecting myself and my life.
In fact, I felt terrible about myself and started to believe the lies I was being told. Things like, "You're selfish," "You're such a bitch," "You only think about yourself," or the best one yet, "You've changed and not for the better." I heard it all and started to believe those nasty things I was being told.
But then I had a moment with my therapist, and after a long walk in nature, it all made sense.
Sitting in her office one night, I cried to her. Desperate for some kind of guidance on how to navigate this painful time in my life. My therapist said to me,
"Janae, the people who are upset you are no longer giving to them the way you used to are the same people who were only taking from you."
It all didn't click until I was home and a few days had passed. I remember being at my parents' house, walking through the woods, thinking about what she said. Then it hit me. She was right.
The people who were upset with me for standing my ground on this are the ones who just take from me. Those people would take from me monetarily, but worse, energetically, giving nothing in return, and in most cases, wound up being the same people who found it so easy to backstab me or throw me under the bus at any opportunity they got.
They were the same people who would talk poorly about me to others; ironically, they were the same people I gave the most to.
When I gained this clarity, it was incredibly painful. I had given so much of myself to these people over the years, and now I felt horrible for choosing their happiness over my own.
I started to spiral down that dark hole of thinking. What if I had realized this sooner? I wouldn't have given so much of my time and energy to people who didn't deserve it. It's very easy to fall into that dark hole, and it can be tough to crawl out of it, so thankfully, I recognized I was spiraling and could snap back to my reality.
NOW I HAVE THE CLARITY ON WHERE I STAND WITH THOSE PEOPLE, SO NOW I CAN STAND STRONG KNOWING IT IS OK TO CHOOSE ME!
Once I gained clarity on all of this, it became much easier for me to choose myself. The more I stepped into my power and stood in my truth, the easier it became for me to choose myself.
I've learned and grown a lot in my spirituality to understand that if someone gets upset with me because I say no to something that isn't good for me but is good for them, they do not honestly care for me and do not deserve my energy.
It was not easy, and starting was the hardest part. I put myself into a very vulnerable place, and it was so uncomfortable, but I knew I had to do it.
Today, I put only one person before myself: my husband. And let me tell you something... It wasn't easy for him to get that place in my life. It took months and months of his actions showing me that he had me on the same pedestal in his heart as I did him in my heart. And if I'm being honest, he will have to do it the rest of our marriage, just like I must do for him.
In the end, actions will always speak louder than words.
There are some things I will not budge on, however, like my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. If I need a hot minute alone, ya girl will take it, and like the great man he is, he supports me and encourages me to do so.
The last five years of my life have been incredibly chaotic, scary, sad, and filled with bullshit relationships and A LOT of life lessons. There have been moments where I had to stand my ground on things, and follow my heart by making decisions where I lost people I loved, but knew were no longer good for me.
The hardest was putting myself first by telling someone I loved more than anything, they needed to choose me or the other. I stood firmly about what I knew was right for me and what my heart stood for. I stood firm in knowing what I wanted and what I deserved. And as hard as it was, and not knowing what the outcome would be, I stood strong in my truth. I stood up for myself. Something I never used to do, and something I always wanted others to do for me.
As hard as it was to uproot ourselves and everything we have ever known for this fresh start, I am so happy we did because I CHOSE MYSELF for the first time in a very long time.
If you are like me and find yourself over-giving in certain areas of your life, or maybe you just think you may be over-giving, ask yourself this question:
AM I GIVING BECAUSE I WANT TO?
OR
AM I GIVING BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY IF I DON'T?
The answer may be painful, but you will have the clarity you need to start making changes in your life that are best for you.
It's OK to put yourself first, and remember, anyone, I MEAN ANYONE, who will get upset because you are choosing YOU don't have YOUR best interest at heart, so why should you put their happiness, wants, or desires before your own?
Remember, my friend, that no one is entitled to you or your energy. It's your energy, therefore, you get to choose who you share it with.
Here's to closing out a painful five-year tower moment and to the beautiful new door opening ahead of me. I pray you find the strength to push through that wall, because you deserve to be set free.
💗 Janae
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